Som udgangspunkt er tillid godt. Det er i hvert fald nødvendigt i sunde relationer mellem mennesker.

 

Fed følelse

Det er en dejlig følelse, at skabe tillid. Det føles godt når et andet menneske er tryg i vores hånd. Når en af vore nærmeste betror sig til os. Når vi sælger en vare til en kunde. Når vi har en kærlighedsrelation.

Tryghed

Tryghed er en følelse som nogle af os tager for givet. De der har oplevet at være utrygge ved hvad dét vil sige. Utryghed gør ikke noget godt for hverken psyke eller fysik, og det kan tage mange år, eller et helt liv, at genetablere trygheden. For at føle os trygge, må vi have tillid til mennesker omkring os. Det starter med vores forældre, så legekammerater, vores partner, kolleger og så videre.

Svigt

Følelsen af svigt opstår, når mennesker til hvem vi udviser tillid, ikke lever op til vores forventning. Det kan være en meget grim følelse og tilgivelse er svært for nogle af os. Måske afhænger sværhedsgraden for tilgivelse af, i hvor høj grad vi føler os svigtet?!

Der er en naturlig tendens til, at mennesker som oplever mistillid og svigt har sværere ved at levere tillid. Netop de mennesker, som udviser mindre tillid, får naturligvis færre svigt, men desværre også mindre lykke og succes. Derfor bør vi, efter min mening, bekymre os om de færdigheder der skal til for at bevare tillid til trods for oplevelser med svigt og mistillid.

Tillidsrelationer

Tillid eksisterer i forskellig karakter og på forskellige niveauer. Tilliden mellem mennesker bestemmes af de erfaringer vi har med hinanden. Min tillid til dig bestemmes altså blandt andet af hvor stort kendskab jeg har til dig og din historie, hvor mange erfaringer jeg har opbygget omkring din person, og i hvor høj grad jeg har delt min sårbarhed med dig.

Bagsiden

Hvis du har prøvet, at et andet menneske misbruger din tillid, så har du måske tænkt over, om du bør ændre den måde hvorpå du leverer tillid, eller måske skære ned på mængden af tillid. Sagt på en anden måde; tilføre lidt skepsis.

Sund skepsis

Det er godt med en sund skepsis, lyder det. Men hvornår er skepsis sundt, og hvornår bliver det en decideret ulempe for os?

Hvis vi går rundt med meget skepsis til vores omgivelser, indskrænker vi vores mulighed for gode resultater. For det føles ikke rart for andre mennesker at blive mødt med meget skepsis. Netop derfor er det aktuelt at lære en god skepsis-balance, og evnen til at bevare tillidskompetencer.

Erfaring

Jo ældre vi bliver, jo flere oplevelser har vi med os i rygsækken; flere svigt og måske livskriser, som har spoleret vores barnetro på alt det gode i verden.

Jeg synes det er ærgerligt når jeg ind imellem oplever at et menneskes tillidsfaktor er dalet med alderen. Min konklusion er nemlig, at output ved høj tillidsfaktor er overvejende positivt, og fylder langt mere end ulemperne ved at lade den dale i takt med mængden af svigt og skuffelser.

Alligevel overvejer jeg personligt fra tid til anden, at tilføre en større portion sund skepsis i min aktivitet. Gerne i en god balance.

Følelser

Det er svære følelser der kommer i spil, når jeg udviser en tillid, som ikke honoreres. Jo større tillid, der er tale om, og jo vigtigere emnet er for mig, jo større er konsekvensen ved de skuffede forventninger. Det er logisk.

I slemme tilfælde, kan det være svært for mig, at genfinde troen og tilliden. Og ikke mindst tilgivelsen, der jo i bund og grund handler om mig selv.

 

Byggebranchen

Min branche lærer mig meget. Selv efter femten år. Tillid er afgørende for at kunne sælge drømmehuse og samtidig er det afgørende for fælles succes, at der er klare regler og god forventningsafstemning.

For nylig talte jeg med et par kolleger om hvorledes vi kan bevare tillid til vores kunder og samtidig passe på os selv. Vores konklusion blev, at vi bør håndtere en byggesag efter klare processer, og samtidig være oprigtig flinke, tillidsfulde og serviceminded – for også at stille krav til kunden og være beredt på et potentielt svigt, som vi ikke må tage personligt.

Det kan være vanskeligt at tilfredsstille privatkunder i dag. Det ved de der arbejder hermed. Både dem i tøjbutikken, hos bilforhandleren, de unge mennesker bag kassen på McDonalds og de som bygger huse til mennesker.

Ind imellem koster det tårer

De første gange jeg oplevede svigt fra en kunde var det ekstremt hårdt for mig. Urimelighedfølelsen går dybt ind i hjertet, og specielt i de tilfælde, hvor der har været tale om mennesker som jeg har kendt og stolet på, har det været svært.

Sandheder bliver fordrejet..

Økonomisk grådighed…

‘At vinde’ – for alt i verden….

Motiverne er mange. Det kan for eksempel være så basalt, at et menneske forsøger at opnå en fordel, som personen har ‘hørt’ at en anden har opnået! En kundes utilfredshed kan også skyldes et skræntende parforhold eller andre personlige anliggender. Nogle gange handler det ‘blot’ om mangel på god kommunikation, og andre gange er svigt fra en kunde helt berettiget, og der vender urimelighedsfølelsen omvendt – og så er det tid til at kigge indad.

Det er mange år siden jeg prøvede min første retssag.

Idag har jeg oplevet flere gange, at blive personligt tilsvinet fra mennesker, som jeg aldrig har mødt. Det kostede mig engang et midnatsløbetur og et nattelangt skriveri. Imponerende, hvilken energi det kunne frembringe 😀 Mange gange er jeg blevet forundret over typen af kunder der svigter – for det er endnu ikke lykkes mig at kategorisere typen.

Det koster også tårer når kolleger svigter. Den oplevelse kan være ekstra hård, fordi relationen ofte er tæt. For ikke at tale om når kæresten skrider. Når vennen svigter. Ethvert menneske har dets motiv, og meget udspringer ifølge min overbevisning af måden hvorpå vi sammensætter vores liv i dag.

Talen til min far

Min far er fyldt 70 år, vores generationsskifte er afsluttet for fire år siden og nu har han valgt at stoppe sin dagligdag hos KFS Boligbyg. Ultimo april holdt vi en reception. Jeg havde forberedt en meget personlig tale. Vi var godt 150 mennesker, og en af emnerne var netop tillid.

Jeg fik italesat en dybtfølt taknemmelighed til begge mine forældre for at have udviklet mig til et tillidsfuldt menneske. Fordi jeg er i stand til at tage imod og være åben for andre menneskers godhed. Og derefter kom jeg ind på tillidens bagside, herunder erfaringen omkring at tillid og arbejdsomhed ikke altid bliver honoreret.

Der er dygtige mennesker i byggebranchen som ikke trives med tillidens bagside. Der sad nogle modne relationer i forsamlingen, med hvem jeg har vendt denne kendsgerning flere gange. Nogle af de mennesker har søgt nye veje, fordi virkeligheden for dem var drænende. Input skal hænge sammen med output, og vores arbejde skal give ‘netto plus’. Godt nok er glæden stor, ved at bygge huse til familier, men det samme er byrden når noget glipper. Uanset om der er tale om fejl, dårlig kommunikation eller urimelighed.

Det er nu derfor blevet en af mine primære opgaver, at lære mine kolleger at leve godt i virkelighedens verden. Tilfredsheden ved at skabe nye hjem til familier er stor. Det tiltrækker og fastholder mange mennesker i parcelhusbranchen og det siges, at ‘glædesmængden afspejles i opgavens kompleksitet’, og det er nok ikke helt ved siden af 😉

 

Livslektier

Det er ikke særligt for min branche, eller for mig. Vi mennesker slår os. Heldigvis. Og nogle af os slår sig mere end andre! Forældre opdrager og skubber os. Hvis du er blevet skubbet ’til kanten’ eller ‘ud over kanten’ så ved du om det føltes rart. Det gjorde det måske, hvis du lærte noget og ikke slog dig væsentligt. I succesfulde tilfælde forstærkes tilliden til hvem der ‘skubber’.

Skubbe kærligt

De fleste forældre ønsker deres børn et godt liv. Og de ønsker, at deres børn kan klare sig selv når de bliver voksne. De forsøger at udvikle et robust menneske, og til det hører at børn skal slå sig. Det er naturligt og det er forældres pligt, at tage ansvar for den udvikling. Jeg kalder det ‘at skubbe kærligt’.

Opdragelse

Mine forældre er uenige om det meste. Og lige dén del er de faktisk enige om. Det nyder vi børn godt af. På godt og ondt. Det øger vores bevidsthed fordi vi må finde vores eget standpunkt. En anden ting som der går igen, godt nok i forskellig grad, men alligevel, er deres tro på og tillid til andre mennesker. Den adfærd har jeg også lært og valgt at holde fast i.

Børn og tillid

Vi fødes med tillid. Tillid til verden, til vores forældre og til vores omgivelser.

Jeg er opdraget til at tro på, at mennesker vil mig det godt. Det er med det mindset, at jeg indgår i nye relationer. Jeg er blevet lært en tillid til verden, hvilket stadig er en del af min person i voksenlivet. På mit barneværelse hang ordene ‘smil til verden, og den smiler til dig’. De første gange jeg oplevede store svigt, kom det bag på mig. Det var uden for min virkelighed, og jeg forstod ganske enkelt ikke hvilke mekanismer der er i spil, og hvilke grimme motiver mennesker kan være drevet af. Misundelse. Egen ulykkelighed. Sammenligning. Med mere.

Det har fået mig til at reflektere over, om vi bør opdrage vores børn til, at tillid skal tjenes og ikke blot være tilstede ved mødet med et andet mennesker?

 

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